


先生

by crybabyenligne



Series: A**hole [1]
Category: Naruto
Genre: <3 ur welcome bae, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Anbu Hatake Kakashi, Angst and Tragedy, Canon-Typical Violence, Disease and Sickness, Gen, Hatake Kakashi Being an Asshole, Hatake Kakashi Has Issues, Hatake Kakashi Suffering, Hatake Kakashi is a Bad Teacher, Hatake Kakashi-centric, Hopeful Ending, I'm not a fan of the Sandaime, Implied Sexual Content, Mentions of Suicide and Depression, Minor Character Death, Missing-Nin Hatake Kakashi, Non-Graphic Violence, Uchiha Massacre, and he never wanted to be a good one, no beta we die like men, read the notes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-13
Updated: 2021-02-13
Packaged: 2021-03-13 23:48:02
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,437
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29162169
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/crybabyenligne/pseuds/crybabyenligne
Summary: Sarutobi orders him to pass Team 7. Orders him. Kakashi gives them the same test he gave the others, and they fail. And, because they're not supposed to fail, he gives them another.And they fail that too."You're all failures," he says neutrally. Uzumaki is hissing and spitting, Haruno pounds at him with harmless fists while she cries, and Uchiha storms away, smoke curling from his every breath.Kakashi doesn't give a shit.
Series: A**hole [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2170839
Comments: 14
Kudos: 132





	先生

**Author's Note:**

> hi there im the note: i got some of them deets about them Uchiha tags
> 
> In this universe, Itachi did slaughter the uchiha, but only half of them -- mostly defenseless civilians and any ninja who figured out what he was doing. killing civilians is a big no no bc ninjas of the village are meant to protect them/they’re virtually defenceless against ninjas; additionally finding out ur own personal civilian population was fucking rekted right under ur nose is a damning insult.
> 
> also, in this au, obito was not there to offer any... assistance. while this is a not rlly all that import to the plot save for adding to kakashi's suffering, i like to plan the backgrounds for the worlds i write should i choose to expand on it. 
> 
> thankssssss
> 
> A/N: i started this last month w like. less than 900 words and i finished it now. all in one sitting. i started this at like 9pm it’s now 5:13am. fucking hell

Kakashi has been in ANBU for nearly a decade. He’s twenty four years old, has a 90% success rate on missions, and is the reluctant but effective leader and captain of Team Ro. He’s a powerful and highly intelligent ninja that, within a few more years, could become a formidable weapon and war deterrent for Konoha. He’s not in his prime yet, he’s not a chakra powerhouse, and he's not got anything unique about him save for the transplanted eye; but it’s his brain and skills that never tire and constantly grow — those are what make him terrifying.

And the Sandaime is honourably discharging him to become a teacher.

Kakashi wonders if old age is finally starting to hit him.

Kakashi does his best not to question his leadership too often, but as of late the decisions (or lack thereof) the Sandaime has chosen have proven to be... questionable, in Kakashi’s humble opinion. 

His bizarre neutrality towards Danzo’s schemes, his half-hearted efforts to stop Orochimaru, the lack of punishment when Kakashi walked up to him and admitted he was involved in plans to assassinate him — he’d walked into that office expecting to be sent to T&I for the next month or he immediately executed for conspiring against the Hokage. 

Neither of those things happened. And while Kakashi is grateful he doesn’t have more scars and his head is still on his shoulders, he can’t deny the bafflement he’s recently been experiencing with every conversation he’s had with Sarutobi-sensei.

”A jounin sensei,” Kakashi says haltingly. 

“Yes.” The Sandaime smiles gently at him. “A heart like yours is too good for ANBU, I think the next generation could learn many a thing from you.”

The only reason he doesn’t frown is because he’s already handed over his Hound mask. His mind is at a loss but his body never forgets to follow orders. He settles on a hesitant nod. “...I see.”

He does not. In the slightest. 

“Graduation is in a weeks time; hand in your ANBU gear, and then come to my office and my secretary will hand you the appropriate paperwork. Then, visit Umino Iruka in the academy. He will give you their files and tell you how to proceed on graduation day.”

_Great. More paper work too._

”Yes, sir.”

He bounces away after that, setting off across the rooftops towards the ANBU barracks. His mind races and he can’t stop the scowl that itches at him.

Kakashi hates kids. And teaching. And responsibilities. And whiny, snotty, brat-nosed children.

He swears under his breath.

At least Yuugao will find some humour in the situation. Tenzou is just going to feel pity for the kids.

Umino Iruka does not want Kakashi to be teaching any genin and Kakashi could not agree more.

He tells Kakashi about the squad he will be collecting next week with stiff, formal words, and his glare is a familiar one. He must know of all the rumours that follow Kakashi around like a bad smell, because while he appears upset that Kakashi is being made responsible for three twelve year olds, he also does not meet his eye and keeps his hands as far away as possible when handing over the skinny manila files.

He’s unhappy, and distrustful, but he’s also scared.

It’s not a nice thing but-

It’s better than other treatment Kakashi receives. He can live with it.

”Please refrain from being late.” Iruka pretends to stare him down. He’s actually gazing at his forehead and blinking rapidly. Nervously. “These kids have a lot of spirit but they’re eager to meet you. A good sensei should leave a good impression.”

”We’ll see,” Kakashi says pragmatically. He crawls out the window with a fake smile and a brief goodbye. 

The genin state at Kakashi.

Kakashi stares back.

”Introduce yourselves... likes, dislikes. Skills...”

The genin shuffle uncomfortably, glancing between each other. Kakashi resist the urge to wriggle nervously himself. He's playing spooky scary jounin sensei right now, he can't let them know humans below the age of fourteen give him hives.

"My name is Takashi Daichi," one of them blurts out. He's curly red hair and freckles everywhere. "I like playing ninja tag, reading manga. I don't like reading real books or staying inside. I was best at genjutsu in the academy."

After that is, "Inuzuka Shouyo. I like sleeping. I don't like loud noises. I was okay at taijutsu, I guess." 

"Where's your partner?" Kakashi asks. 

"She's sick," he mumbles and the glassy sheen to his eyes makes Kakashi hurriedly move to the next kid. 

"Taguchi Yu!" When he smiles he shows a pair of buckteeth and he's got swirling green eyes that make Kakashi feel a little sick to look at. "I like everything! And I was really really _really_ good at genjutsu."

Daichi wilts at the admission. Kakashi grimaces and tries to change the subject. "You like everything, huh? Bold statement for someone who has never left the village."

"My ma said that anything was possible! So even if I don't like it at first, I can learn to love anything!"

 _Ah, he's one of those types._ Kakashi sweatdrops. "I see..."

"Right, well, I'm Hatake Kakashi, and, if you pass my test, I will be your jounin sensei. If you don't," he crinkles his lone eye into a disarming smile. "Then you go back to the academy for another year."

"Test?!" All three chorus, panic displaying on all their innocent little faces. Kakashi's shriveled heart takes far too much joy in it. "But we already did the test!"

"Well you have to do another if you want to be on my team. C'mon, let's head to training grounds 1. We may as well start now."

One hour later, and Kakashi is staring resignedly at three panting forms lying on the ground before him. 

The three boys are pathetic. 

Daichi folded after one punch and never got up again. He also vomited even though Kakashi was pulling his punches. By a lot. He never tried any genjutsu despite claiming he was best at it, and never tried to hide. He attacked the second Kakashi allowed them too and was taken down in less than a minute. 

The Inuzuka... has some serious self-esteem issues. He was hesitant to go on the offensive, but hid effectively in the surrounding greenery and set up some pretty okay traps. He saw how Daichi gave up, compared it to Yu's steely determination, and found no middle ground. He just started muttering degrading things to himself. Kakashi put him out of his misery and just shoved him into his own trap; he left him strung up in the tree as Yu took his turn. 

Yu did seem to have talent, but he had a habit of just. Taking punches. He did not defend in the slightest. God knows why, he thought his own face was an effective shield. As well as that, he had laughed loudly after Daichi's quick takedown and gave away his own location. 

Honestly, he's a bit relieved. The thought of having to deal with these three until they hit jounin sounds like a nightmare. 

"You fail," he says and all three burst into angry tears. Uh oh. "Return your hitai-ate, I'll arrange your next year with your teachers. Bye!"

He shushins away with no guilt. 

When he tells Iruka the news, the teacher looks both furious and relieved. 

Kakashi doesn't stick around to hear what he has to say.

* * *

The Ninja Academy has no set graduation system. While they’ve tried to encourage students to take their learning slow and have refused anyone who wants to do the final exam if they’re less than ten years old (after realising that people like Kakashi and Itachi didn’t get fucked up outta nowhere), they still quite like it when prodigies and clan kids get popped out all year round.

While civilian born prodigies are a lot more rare, they tend to be snatched up quick for apprenticeships or genin teams — if someone with no ninja background can stand out among various kekkei genkai and clan techniques, they must be of value. 

It’s this example of the benefits of having no structure in a world ruled by control and patience, that has Kakashi testing another genin team only two months after he failed the previous. He should have seen it coming, the Sandaime's reaction to the brutal beatdown of the genin was far too placid.

A pair of Hyuuga twins, and a ridiculously tall civilian boy who comes up to Kakashi’s nose.

It’s unusual (and unadvised) to put siblings on a team together but Kakashi has no doubt that this is a ploy of Sarutobi’s to fit the intense teamwork Kakashi requires of kids who want to pass his team. They teamwork is, unfortunately, great, and they strongarm the civilian into obeying their every order.

The twins pass the test with flying colours, dragging the civilian boy forcefully behind.

Kakashi sighs behind his mask as the trio cheer at their success, the twins hugging and the beanpole civilian bouncing around excitedly. He doesn’t like this; he doesn’t get why the Hokage is so adamant he teach when he could be hazing new ANBU recruits but this is his job now. Passing on the Will of Fire. 

And even if he doesn’t like it, he’s going to do, and he’s going to do it fucking good.

”Maa, maa, settle down, kiddos,” he calls. The Hyuugas instantly slip back into the stoic mask the whole clan wear and the civilian stands to attention, fingers twitching like he means to salute. Kakashi snorts softly. Maybe he can have some fun with them.

“We begin training tomorrow. Be at Training Grounds 10 at 0700 hours, don’t eat breakfast. I will not go easy on you,” he warns them. “I have never had genin before and I don’t know how to treat you like kids. You will be soldiers to me. Understood?”

“Yes, sensei!”

”Dismissed,” he says and walks away with the weight of three new lives on his shoulders. All he has to do is keep them alive. And mostly stable.

The next two months are torturous. For the kids. Kakashi has actually come to like it a bit.

Nakahara Haru is the first ninja of his family, and often meets Kakashi on the rooftops as he sprints to training because he slept in. Kakashi, who meanders down as slow as possible, greets him with a cheery ‘morning!’ each time and then summons one of the dogs to take pursuit. Rin has become a very fast and very agile runner as a result. 

The twins are Hyuuga Mai and Mei. For a set of Hyuugas, they’re pretty friendly, and extremely dedicated to their training. By the time Kakashi and Rin arrive to training in the morning, they have already gone through extensive warmups and brief spars. Kakashi appreciates the initiative but more so the lack of yelling.

The training he gives them is brutal.

The second he arrives, he's barking orders at them, pushing them through drills and workout he's developed both for himself and for ANBU trainees. He works them until they pass out or cry or vomit. He keeps them on their toes with spontaneous sparring sessions wherein he randomly rushes one of them and then all three have to work together to fend them off; or alternatively he recruits one of them to just start whaling on whoever is paying the least attention. 

Haru gets the shit kicked out of him a lot but he's also got a mean right hook so it's all good. 

Kakashi finally experiences the smug feeling of watching three tired and sweaty twelve year olds bitch and moan as they complete D-ranks. Haru doesn't complain much, likely because he's done some of these jobs himself while growing up, but the Hyuuga twins hate it. With a fiery passion. 

"This is beneath us," Mai hisses, byakugan bulging as she paints the fence. Her regal war kimono has been destroyed by green paint and she's got smudges on her cheeks and forehead to. Kakashi looks forward to hosing her down with a water jutsu with sadistic glee. 

"It's not that bad," Haru tries to console her. "I used to work on my grandpa's farm and he made us _make_ the fence and paint it."

"At least if we were making it I could slice something," Mei snarls. She's nearly spotless but her hand and arm keep cramping as she strains to reach the top of the fence. Haru swipes it with his brush for her and offers her an awkward, consolatory pat on the head. She swats it away. 

Haru glances up at where Kakashi is sat casually atop a lamppost gazing down on them. "More painting less talking," he drawls. "You have a break in thirty minutes."

All three sigh in relief. 

"And then we move to the other side!" He says cheerily. Haru sighs as the girls go off on a joint tangent on how 'un-noble' and 'useless' the job is. 

Kakashi hits the six month mark with his genin in shock and surprise. 

He hates to admit it but he's grown fond of the trio. Haru and his friendly but lazy personality, Mai's explosive temper but equally as intense mother-hen tendencies, and Mei's quiet and cold attitude that hides a rather excitable, almost cute, personality. Not to toot his own horn or anything, but they've really bloomed under his tutelage. They've taken to the ninja life like ducks to water and Kakashi can't wait to introduce them to the chunin exams when the time comes. But first, he wants to build their experience. 

It's with a bizarre sense of pride that he introduces him to their first C-Rank -- an escort mission that began as a B-Rank but was downgraded with reasons Kakashi hardly cares for. He's not nervous about taking them out of the village, because their his team; they will protect each other as he's trained them to do and he will protect them as he swore to do when they passed his test. It's nothing crazy, just an escort mission for a family to Yumegakure. It's still in the Land of Fire, even if it's near the border, and only a week away if there's no delays. Just a simple to-and-fro to let his genin get a taste of just how unexciting ninja life can be. Best disillusion them while they're still fresh, right?

Virtually nothing can go wrong. Kakashi has checked this up and down for over a week. It'll be easy. They'll be begging for more the moment they get back. 

Fate plays favourites and Kakashi is her terribly neglected child that she leaves to rot in the corner and kicks sometimes just to keep him on his toes. 

The mission parameters were this: escort a small family of four to Yumegakure, because granny was dying of some rare disease and she wanted to die in her place of birth. The parents swore up and down she would be staying inside the caravan, and their only daughter would be periodically slipping in and out to take care of her on the way over. Very hygenic, always hearing a mask. The parents would just keep the cart going and all Kakashi's team had to do was walk alongside and make sure things stayed smooth and steady.

It started off fine. And then their daughter got sick. 

Mr and Mrs Fuwa panicked, understandably. With grandmother dying and somehow, their daughter catching the very carefully contained disease, they got worried. 

"I swear, shinobi-san," Ms Fuwa had gasped, eyes bright with unshed tears. Mai and Mei were still maintaining their posts on the other side of the cart as they stopped by the road, Mei cooing at the horses as they grazed, but Haru had drifted closer and was unsubtly trying to eavesdrop. "W-we thought she was being very careful; nothing else will happen, just please, hand these masks to your students, my husband and I will take care of my daughter."

Kakashi soothed her and in no time they were back on the road, Mr Fuwa now driving the cart, Ms Fuwa stuck inside caring for her mother and daughter. Kakashi's genin donned their med masks and Mei failed to hide a giggle when he slipped on on top of his normal black mask. Everything settled down once more. 

Four days in, and Mr Fuwa started coughing from the front of the cart. Kakashi shared cautious looks with his genin. They carried on.

Then the bandits showed up. Twelve normal bandits, along with a shitty missing-nin, against three genin, a jounin, and the liabilities of four sick civilians. 

Kakashi took the missing-nin and sent a clone to distract most of the bandits, the twins engaged four bandits between them, and Haru scrambled to herd Mr Fuwa into the cart with his family. 

The cart reeked of death. Soon, the clearing would too. 

"Stats," Kakashi says crisply. His genin materialize before him in various displays of disarray. 

"Uninjured," Mei and Mai say in unison but there's a haunted look in their pale purple eyes. There's very blood splatter across their faces which are still plump with baby fat and not for the first time Kakashi wishes kids did not have to grow up to be ninja. "Three dead, one unconscious and restrained."

"Small cut on my arm but otherwise fine," Haru admits. His face is roughed up and he's vibrating with adrenaline. "One unconscious, the other retreated soon after. The Fuwa clan are all in the cart but..." He hesitates. "It- it doesn't smell good in there and I haven't heard much from outside."

"Right. I'll send one of the dogs to follow those who got away, there was only three so it shouldn't be much. Store the dead in body seals, we may be able to get a bounty for them. Leave the unconscious by the tree line, there should be no need for an interrogation. I'll check in of the Fuwa clan. And, kids?" He hesitates but all three of them are staring up at him with wide, scared eyes. "You did well today."

He ruffles their hair, one after the other, and pretends not to notice when Mai leans into it or Haru bites his lip and hides glossy eyes. Mei sniffles quietly. 

Kakashi gives them a gentle smile and then heads towards the cart. 

He can't hide his grimace as he moves closer to the entrance at the back of the cart -- it reeks of death and the air is horribly still. Slowly and carefully, he pulls back the curtain hiding them from the world and assess what he swears as the foul stench of infection washes over him: grandmother, tucked into a dark corner at the far end of the cart, just starting to rot. She never made it back home. Then, he sees the mother and daughter both huddle up in the far corner closest to the door. The girl, only seventeen, is scarily still but her mother is shivering gently and sluggishly rocking her back and forth. 

The father is collapse right before them. He’s sweating and shaking, eyes rolled back in unconsciousness.

”Fuck,” he swears and then leans back before any of them can try speak to him.

This mission is very rapidly going downhill. And they’re too close to their destination to try and turn back now.

They reach Yumegakure and Kakashi has to barter for an hour with the gatekeepers to allow them in — a seriously feverish Mr Fuwa tumbles out the cart to try and help and just the idea of infecting the entire village has the gate chunin ushering them into quarantine in the hospital. They drag the cart in like a funeral parade. Haru is slung over Kakashi’s back, weak because he didn’t clean his wound properly and a hidden poison has gotten the best of him. Kakashi read about how sickly he was as a child and he’s almost gnashing his cheek anxiously. 

_I should have cleaned it for him, I should have checked the bandits' weapons, I should have **killed-**_

On their way to the hospital, guided by masked ninja, through alleyways that won’t let them interact with the civilian population of the small town, Mai starts to cough weakly from behind her mask.

 _Please not the kids,_ he thinks to himself as they reach the hospital. Mei is fluttering around her twin in a panic, Haru's weight is steadily increasing on his back. _Anything but my genin._

The halls are empty. A nurse tugs Haru from Kakashi’s arms and two more direct him and the twins towards a containment unit. He can hear soft crying in the distance and he already knows it’s Ms Fuwa — her daughter must have finally passed. They lied about their ability to keep their grandmother's sickness contained. They lied about the severity of the mission. He doesn't know how they did it but they got this downgraded from a B-Rank and now Kakashi's team is paying the price. 

His fury is indescribable. 

He doesn't know how long he stays there, in the hospital in Yumegakure. The sickness hit him and he spent his days in a pain-filled haze, and then he starts a slow and sluggish recover. A representative ninja from Konoha and her two chunin subordinates come to bring them back home and the first thing he asks when she enters his room is the conditions of his team. The nurses never answer him, they just stare at him with sad, sad eyes. 

"Hyuuga Mei, is alive and fully recovered from her sickness." Her lips thin. Kakashi's heart feels so, _so_ heavy. "Nakahara Haru is in a coma caused by the poison from the injury received. Unfortunately, the hospital staff did not manage to address the wound before he could reach severity, and while he is thankfully alive, it is uncertain will he wake up. He managed to not receive infection from you or his teammates, however; the disease passed over him entirely, otherwise he may not have made it. Hyuuga Mai..."

"Please," he whispers. His body is still weak and he does not even have the stength to hide his fear.

"I'm sorry for your loss. Her body is being protected by my subordinates as we speak and will be safely delivered back to her clan. Staff here says she fought bravely and strongly against it."

"...Leave," he orders, voice hard and dry. 

She goes without complaint. 

The Hyuuga clan head is out for his blood when he is escorted back to the village. The council are up his ass for nearly making it a political incident when he chose to go to Yumegakure to deliver the bodies instead of abandoning ship and heading back to Konoha, the smaller village requiring compensations after they were forced into an impromptu lockdown to deal with the disease's outbreak. Haru's mothers cry at the doorstep when he delivers the news and thank him for supporting their son's dream, for bringing him home. "Visit him any time you like," his mother says. She's got the same soft brown eyes he has. His mom has to hunch over to peer at him through the door way and tears are still streaming down her face. "We'll give you his room details, I'm sure he'd like to know you were around when he wakes up."

He attends Mai's funeral even though the Hyuuga clan is outraged. Mei looks up at him with dead eyes and politely asks him to never speak to her again. She retires at thirteen years old. 

Kakashi begins his schedule anew; he spends an hour in the morning at the memorial stone, tracing Obito and Sensei and Kushina's names. Then, he visits Rin, Mai, and Dad in the graveyard for another hour. Then he reads softly to Haru at his bedside in the hospital. 

He is alone once more.

* * *

The Hokage is getting on Kakashi's nerves. 

The gossipy jounin in the Jounin Lounge are getting on Kakashi's nerves. 

The snide words from the council are getting on Kakashi's nerves. 

The pity and sympathetic looks he's getting from the in-the-know civilians are getting on his nerves.

The Hyuuga and the Uchiha are getting on Kakashi's nerves.

Everything is getting on Kakashi's nerves and there is no way to stop it. 

The Jounin Lounge is a very popular bar that caters strictly towards shinobi and offers itself as a safe place for chunin and jounin to unwind without being conscious of the lives of dumb genin or fragile civilians. It's dim and dingy and all the tables are made of tough, worn wood rumoured to come from the Shodaime's mokuton. Each table has a couple of kunai in easy each to comfort the twitchier shinobi and you can buy temporary privacy seals for your table that can last over an hour. It's a cozy little safe space for Kakashi to drink and relax with his friends freely. Plus, the Jounin Lounge is the best place to pick up juicy gossip; harmless or otherwise. 

Unfortunately, Kakashi has been the star of the gossip ever since his disastrous mission last month. Gossip isn't so fun when it's all about you. 

"Heard he chose to continue the mission-"

"-ect nothing less from the Frien-"

"He did the right call, I'd-"

"-etter them than us?"

"Must be tryna collect all of Konoha's dojutsu. First the Uchiha, now us? Never thought I'd say this but I'd gladly be on a team with those red-eyed bastards than be under his command."

The table roars with laughter, agreements. Asuma shifts uncomfortably across the table from him, smoke curling up and away from his cigarette, and Gai puts a heavy hand on his shoulder. Kurenai's upper lip is pulled back in disgust and she's glaring over at the laughing group.

Kakashi orders six shots for the road and leaves. 

The Hokage gives him another team, nearly two months after his first proper team dissolved. He hardly cares for Kakashi's grief. _Or he has just forgotten to show he cares,_ an optimistic little voice assures. Kakashi is not a natural optimist.

He doesn't bother to learn their names. He fails them almost immediately, old promises of safety and protection tasting sour on his tongue. 

"I'm so sorry about your team, young man," an old granny tells him as he kindly carries her groceries home for her. She reaches up to pat his masked cheek with a wrinkled hand and he flinches at the contact. "They were very young; I saw the young lady's obituary in the newspaper, ya know?"

"Did you?" Kakashi says softly and smothers down the ache and the anger in his chest. He hardly slept last night. He woke up from a dream about Rin that evolved into him running fruitless through long, winding hospital corridors; his genin were always just there, just out of reach, eyes white and skin grey with death. When he woke up Obito's eye was watering like it hadn't in years. 

"I did! I even visited the poor lass' grave. You did your best, lad."

"...thank you." 

She continues to ramble on, moving on to the meaning of flowers, the ones she grows for herself and her partner; she tells him how she wooed her partner in the language of flowers because they worked in a flower shop, only to realise they never learned the meanings and just thought she was being too sweet. They walk slowly back to her apartment and Kakashi ignores the heavy eyes on his back as he shuffles along beside the old woman. Someone he recognises from the civilian council gestures rudely at him. Kakashi stares back and flips them off. 

Granny mimics him and then gesticulates at the man in a fury with her cane. He laughs for the first time in a while. 

It takes a little while for Kakashi to feel a bit more like himself again. He misses the monotony of ANBU but tries to pick himself up and dust himself off in the aftermath. He responds to more of Gai's challenges, takes a couple solo A-Ranks, and even finds the energy to use up his suffocating anger in a rough and messy one-night stand. He walks away with bruises like fingertips on his throat and a satisfying burn on the skin of his back. 

It's been nearly three months now. He still reads to Haru. 

The Sandaime tries to give him yet another time. 

"Hokage-sama," Kakashi begins. "Are you sure it's a good idea? I am not exactly teaching material and my previous team..." He trails off on purpose. He slouches and stuffs his hands in his pockets and wonders if displaying the self-pity he feels will make the Sandaime change his mind. His accurate intuition says no. "Geniuses aren't the best teachers."

"I was," he says pleasantly. Kakashi thinks of all the evidence to the contrary and chooses to keep his mouth shut. 

_And they_ _say_ _I don't have self-preservations instincts._

"I'm very sorry about your loss, Kakashi-kun, but our village needs you and your skills -- passing what you know onto our future generation is the best way to do that." It's summer and the air is muggy and warm but still the Sandaime is wrapped up in his white robes, ash dripping from his pipe as he shares a sad look with Kakashi over the desk. For some reason it grates at him rather than bring him ease like it usually would. "What happened was a tragedy, yes. But it was also unfortunate circumstance and you mustn't blame yourself. You did not kill your team."

Kakashi's hearing cuts out after that particular sentence. He leaves the office with his gut churning and spends the next three hours training alone and beating the shit out of the anything that moves.

"What'd that dirt ever do to you?" Anko calls as she wanders by. 

"Exist," he snarks back and then leaves to go and fail the next trio of genin. 

He does exactly as he said he would. He fails them. He doesn't sabotage them or anything but anger makes his hits harder and fear makes his walls close down harder. 

One of them ends up in the hospital for a broken nose. 

Kakashi doesn't stick around to check if he's okay. Iruka is waiting for him when he comes to announce their failure.

* * *

They are called Team 5 and they, unfortunately, pass the bell test. Matsumoto is a bookworm who hardly gives Kakashi a glance, Aburame stares at Kakashi with judging eyes behind her visor and constantly lets her bugs buzz right in his ears, and Iburi has their head in the clouds constantly and complains when Kakashi works them too hard. It's not cute like it was when his previous team did it. 

Kakashi hates all three of the kids. The kids hate him. 

_Minato-sensei said the bell test was really difficult for shinobi. Goddamn liar, it seems like everyone is passing it these days._

The four of them enter a really uncomfortable routine. Kakashi sets a time, shows up late, and they scowl at him or don't say a word. If he's more than three hours late they straight up leave and train by themselves, not as a team, and then he has to round them up and bully them into training together. Then they leave. No team dinners, no 'sensei what's beneath the mask', no requests for help with a new move or a jutsu. They leave and then Kakashi scampers away to train away his frustrations or wallow in his guilt at the graveyard. 

They start D-Ranks. Kakashi doesn't even take pleasure in their annoyed expressions, he just sits a couple metres away and watches them quietly interact with each other, laughing when they forget he's not there. When they remember he's there they stop immediately and glance at his still figure almost fearfully. He goes home and he pulls down the mask wonders where the hell he's going wrong. Obito's sharingan spins hypnotically. 

He wanders around the day after under the guise of Sukea and listens to his team chatter together as they stroll past him on the street, looking happier than they ever did when they knew he was around. He sits on a park bench and quietly takes photos with Rin's camera. A member of the KPD wanders over and flirts with him, flushing when Sukea claps childishly at his display of the sharingan, stumbling over himself when Sukea leaves him with a lingering kiss and a cheeky wink. 

There's a pleased, fluttery feeling in his stomach, right up until Kakashi picks up take-away that same night, dressed as himself, and spots that same Uchiha laughing and joking with his friends. They meet eyes and the man scowls and violently shoulders him as they walk past each other. The cashier hands Kakashi the takeout bag with shaky hands and she cries when she drops his change, scared to death by all the rumours and death that swirls around him. 

He patiently picks it all up, tells her to keep the change in the softest tone he can, and eats dinner by Haru's bedside, venting his frustrations with his new team. He sneaks out the window when the nurses note the wafting smell and come to investigate. 

Life goes on. 

Team 5 reach the six month mark. 

Kakashi is so fucking frustrated and the kids are so unhappy that he just gives up. 

"I'm stepping down as your sensei," he tells them and watches their eyes go wide. He feels tired and scraped raw. He's hardly dressed, just his usual pants, sandels and a skin tight t-shirt that's connected to his mask. He's not even wearing his hitai-ate. He arrived early too. "We all know this isn't working -- you guys clearly don't like me, and I am not suited for teaching anymore. I know several jounin sensei's looking for another member, and plenty more who need an apprentice. I've given them your name and details and they should get in touch with you soon -- that will give you a fresh start with a sensei of your choosing who can hopefully do you and yours talents justice. I apologise for my behaviour but this is the best thing I can do for you as compensation."

He bows to them all, formally, and when he's upright again he offers the trio a wane smile. He has no idea if the single eye conveys it properly. "Thank you for your patience."

There are stars in their eyes and for the first time since he passed them they're finally _looking_ at him. They look thrilled. Kakashi wants to fall on a kunai. 

"See you later," he says casually and then spins on his heel to trudge back home, every decision he's ever made weighing on him like a tonne of rocks. 

"You resigned," the Sandaime says carefully. He's not smoking his pipe and his dark eyes are searching, like he's trying to reach deep into Kakashi's soul. "You resigned and arranged new sensei and apprenticeships for them?"

"They didn't like me and I don't want to be their teacher," the last Hatake says bluntly. He's still not dressed properly and he feels a vindictive pleasure when the Sandaime's mouth purses in displeasure. "It would be best if they worked and learned from someone they could trust and enjoy their time with." 

"I see..." Kakashi feels a bizarre sense of deja vu. 

"I would also like to request a reinstatement into ANBU, Hokage-sama. I have tried it with teaching and it does not seem to be the right career for me so I would kindly request that-"

"Dismissed, Kakashi-kun," the Sandaime interrupts and he barely wrestles down the indignation at being interrupted. An ANBU flickers into existence for half a second just behind the Hokage, reminding Kakashi to unclench his fists, grit his teeth, and bear it. 

"Yes, Hokage-sama."

He's still vexed enough to dive through the window instead of opting for the door like the Hokage prefers he does. 

* * *

There's a bubbling feeling inside him. It's like there's a fire in his throat and it's burning it's way up, red hot flames licking his insides and stretching as far as they can from the prison of his body. It's a feeling he's had for a long time, and it burns brighter and hotter each time the Hokage makes him test another team after the falling out of his first time. He wanted them to be his first and _only_ team; it feels dishonourable to try teach others after he failed them so horribly. And once again, the Sandaime does not care. 

He gives him another. 

Six teams. He has tested six teams, two of them passed, one of them was destroyed, another was dissolved to create others. 

Everyday he wonders if one extra pass or one extra fail would have led to more success, or an even worse failure.

He doesn’t want to find out.

He fails the sixth team he’s given, and less than an hour later he’s summoned directly to the Hokage’s office.

He shows up an hour late.

”Kakashi,” he starts, with a tone so patronising that the Hatake almost tunes him out immediately. “I understand that teamwork is a very important aspect of ninja that helps fuel the flames of the Will of Fire. However,” he says, eyes narrowing. “What _you_ are looking for is simply to much.”

”The bell test is a very old and well respected test that has been passed down from sensei to student for decades,” Kakashi replies with a harmless smile. “You used it on your teams, Jiraiya-sama on his, the Yondaime on mine... I do not see a problem in passing it on.”

He can’t quite stop himself from arguing. He wants to go back to what he was before the Sandaime forced him into this. He never wanted to teach in the first place and he was never a good teacher anyway. 

“Teamwork is not the only key component of a functional team. Strength, ambition, intelligence, unique thinking-“

”Are rendered null and void if the team is willing to let another member of their team die just complete a mission.”

”Sacrifices are necessary to succeed.” His voice is cold.

”Lives succeed the mission.” His own voice is colder.

They’re veering into dangerous territory. Kakashi never spoke about his father’s death, and he hates addressing Obito and Rin’s. And this is exactly what they would have argued for.

 _Might not come back from this, boss,_ a voice that sounds exactly like Pakkun says. _Shouldn’t we turn back now?_

”’Those who break the rules are trash, but those who abandon their teammates are worse than trash,’” he recites, squaring his shoulders and pulling his hands from his pockets. He stands up straight and stands his ground. “This is a philosophy I have chosen to live by and I will stick by it — any team I take must understand this if they are to train under me.”

”You’re expectations are ridiculous,” the Sandaime says, exasperated. “The children just want to learn from you, they can understand the importance and dedication to teamwork _from you as their sensei!_ They cannot learn it if you do not allow them the chance, Kakashi.”

Kakashi switches tactics. “I gave all six teams the test, two passed. Those are just the odds, I am not being unfair. I am introducing them to the real world. Shinobi life style is not something to enter with stars in your eyes.”

”You are setting them up for failure,” the Sandaime argues and Kakashi rears back like he’s been slapped.

”No sabotage,” he snaps. “They fail on their own merit. I do nothing to leave than at a disadvantage, I give them time to plan, time to set up, I watch them while they watch me. I would _not_ purposely fail potential soldiers,” he snarls and the Sandaime twitches at the chosen word. “I only want to produce the best of the best.”

”You're standards are too high!”

”This generation is too lax from this tenuous peace,” he counters and the killing intent in the room spikes.

Silence reigns for a minute and it takes a bit for it to register with Kakashi that he’s been arguing, very loudly, with the Hokage he proudly swore he fealty to when he was four years and just started the academy. This is the most insubordination he’s done since he broken into the man’s house and somehow, this right here feels twice as deadly. 

“You fired me from ANBU-“

” _I_ _discharged you honourably,_ ” he thunders.

”-you will let me teach as I want to or you put me back to drilling the new recruits,” he finishes loudly. He bows and turns away then, storming towards the door. “Thank you for your time, _Hokage-sama_.”

“Kakashi! Come back here immediately-!”

He shushins away and nearly collapses when he arrives on a rooftop just ten minutes away. Sweet baby jesus he’s been yelling at and arguing with the Hokage. If his father knew what he was doing he’d be rolling in his grave.

An ANBU pops up in front of him mere seconds after he decides to head home and get absolutely pissed off cheap sake, ordering him to return to the Hokage immediately.

”No,” Kakashi snorts and walks around them. They flounder before darting forward and intercepting again.

”Hatake-san this is an explicit order from your kage, return immediately or force will be used.”

That gets his attention.

”Do you really want to try me?” Kakashi asks, mildly curious. His blood is roaring in his veins, temper stoked by the argument. He could use the outlet.

The ANBU hesitates.

”Name?”

”ANBU Frog, Hatake-san,” they say stiffly.

”A word of advice, Frog-kun; don’t threaten a jounin and then hesitate. It might just be the end of you.”

A clone tackles the ANBU to the ground and Kakashi takes off running.

30 minutes later, both he and ANBU Frog are being admitted to hospital. Specifically the one whose roof they fell through in the midst of their tussle.

Not his proudest moment, running from the Hokage and then getting locked in hospital after a fight with an ANBU recruit. Poor guy must have only been there a few weeks if he didn’t know who Kakashi was.

“Fucking Hatake,” the doctor mutters as she assess his injuries. Out of the corner of his eye he spots a nurse locking on of the windows.

No bother. He’ll break it when he escapes later tonight.

Kakashi is given three weeks LOA. He is banned from the mission desk, the Jounin Lounge goes quiet when he enters to drink his anger away, and he gets two new tails that follow him around the village as he goes about his day.

Hospital staff yell at him when they see him in the street and try to bully him into returning.

Sarutobi doesn’t summon him back to his office. Kakashi would be a fool to think this argument is over.

* * *

Sarutobi orders him to pass Team 7. He _orders_ him. Kakashi gives them the same test he gave the others, and they fail. And, because they're not supposed to fail, he gives them another. 

And then they fail that too. 

"You're all failures," he says neutrally. Uzumaki is hissing and spitting, Haruno pounds at him with harmless fists while she cries, and Uchiha storms away, smoke curling from his every breath. 

Kakashi doesn't give a shit. 

* * *

Sarutobi, as Kakashi learns, can be extremely and violently passive-agressive when you don’t bow down to his whims.

After he disobeyed orders and failed Team 7, he was summoned to the Hokage’s office for the first time in months. He then got yelled at for two hours, got a kunai flung at him whenever he tried to defend himself or interrupt, and by the end of it he was re-drafted into ANBU.

But this time, he was drafted as a sole player.

Solo missions are extremely taxing, high risk mission that Konoha cannot risk sending more than one person in for their sensitivity. These missions are long and gruelling and usually the deliverance of extremely high value intel to and from Konoha.

These missions expect you to commit suicide if it is compromised in any way just to protect the information.

”You ship out at 0400 tomorrow.” Sarutobi’s words are clipped and succinct. Kakashi’s suicidal to find a smug glee in pissing off the most powerful man in the village. “Dismissed.”

The mask is an old but familiar comfort as he slides it on, alone in the locker room. He hasn’t seen anyone in weeks, honestly. After learning he was banned from the mission desk all those months ago he shut himself inside and wasted days away reading and sleeping, jerking off pathetically when he felt horny and dragging himself to the kitchen when he couldn’t ignore the ache in his stomach anymore.

The second the LOA finished he was at the mission desk the second it opened, snatching an A-Rank from the hands of a gaping chunin and darting out the village gates as soon as he could; the team forced to go with him had cursed him to hell and back as he set a quick pace immediately.

They returned three days before they were expected to. He dragged three more unsuspecting chunin, snatched another A-Rank, and the process repeated. 

He doesn’t like being in the open anymore. He doesn’t visit the Jounin Lounge even when Kurenai stops by his apartment to invite him because he’s getting real sick of the mouthy clan kids.

He sends a clone disguised as Sukea to get groceries. Civilians bolt when they see him coming, like he’s the village’s personal boogeyman.

The Uchiha spit at his feet as he passes them by, muttering, “Eye thief.”

He can’t walk by a single Hyuuga without seeing an active byakugan.

Hatake Kakashi is being treated like he’s an active threat by the village he has fought and nearly died for.

He couldn’t be more happy for Hound to take the reigns.

He breathes in deep as he attaches the mask, inhaling the old scent of sweat and blood and his own ozone-scented chakra. It’s a relief, honestly, to be able to give up the next few weeks of his life to a mission. He can channel the bitterness in his chest into helping his village.

Finally back where he belongs.

The S-Ranks don’t stop and neither do the whispers. He doesn’t tell his friends he’s back in ANBU but they’re smart enough to figure it out on their own.

He knows they helped convince Sarutobi to discharged the first time round. He won’t allow them to do that to him again.

He arrives back from a two month S-Rank, gets a week break, and then Sarutobi sends him out again on another longterm mission. Everytime he arrives back he’s exhausted, sometimes barely clinging to life, but he’s got spite and rage to fuel him. 

He lets the nurses coddle him, heals until he’s at his best, then comes back again to collect another mission. He feels better.

For a bit.

Everytime he returns it just gets a little worse. He leaves as ANBU Hound and returns as Friend Killer Kakashi.

He’s Konoha’s Glorified Eye Thief, because the Hokage defended him from the clan laws just to have another asset.

He’s a Genin Killer, because he lost one and failed the rest.

He’s Hatake Sakumo’s Son, as he has been and always will be.

He’s the Copy-Cat Ninja, because nothing he has is his own.

He’s the White Fang’s Greatest Failure.

The last one stings the most. 

For _years_ his father suffered abuse from everyone after his failed mission. Kakashi was six years old and had to guide his father through basic tasks; he became a caretaker as he became a shinobi.

He had honestly believed his dad would get better.

Then he walked home to warm blood and a cool body and realised he never could have cared for him enough — not when there was so much hatred surrounding his father.

The last moniker digs at old memories. An old mask rises up with it, twice as indifferent as his cold one, one he wielded as a weapon while he grew up. 

“He’s a failure and a menace," he hears a chunin says when he dares venture outside for an evening stroll. She stares right at him as she says the word, expression dark and fingers twitching towards her shuriken pouch. He regards her with dark, blank eyes.

"Just as much as his dad was."

Nakahara Haru had a mean right-hook to begin with.

Hatake Kakashi showed him how to make it meaner.

Arresting ANBU isn't easy, but Kakashi is off duty when he and the chunin staft trading blows in the middle of a public park. Makes it pretty simple.

The Uchiha that arrests him takes vicious glee in locking him up that night. He'll be released tomorrow when a shadow clone disguised as Sukea bails him out and picks him up. His carefully constructed public image that painted him as a harmless pervert is destroyed for good.

The thing that has been bubbling up inside him since sensei's death is about to boil over. 

He collects some souvenirs before he goes. He packs up all that is Sukea, seals away his Icha Icha collection, spends a moment just looking at Obitio’s eye in the mirror.

He spends hours at the memorial stone, the graves, visits Haru one last time. He peeks at Mei at her new desk job at a law firm, shadows Matsumoto, Aburama and Iburi as they all head to their new lives early in the morning, no longer a team but happier than ever. 

“Nothing to remember Minato-sensei or Kushina by,” he mutters to himself, frowning, before an idea pops into his head. He slows turns to stare at the Hokage tower, specifically the room filled with Minato’s hiraishin kunai and Kushina’s sealing journals.

Hours later, Kakashi is sprinting like a bat out of hell, ten ANBU on his heels as he hauls himself and all he has on him into the great beyond.

A week later after the ANBU fail to catch him, his face is in the Bingo Books, proud and clear.

He has no idea where he’s going or what he’ll do.

He just needs to find himself. And get lost on the road of life. 

**Author's Note:**

> and they lived happily ever after <3
> 
> (i like my men mean and unapologetic about it what can i say)
> 
> in all honesty, i do firmly believe that kakashi could have very easily abandoned the village should anything more have happened to him before he got team 7 (who offered him temporary stability and a more light-hearted (?) purpose). he went through a lot of shit that made lesser nin run for the hills and while i understand he musta felt duty bound by both nurture and the deaths of his team to protect the village -- just a couple more tragedies coulda sent him away or worse. poor dude :(
> 
> comments and kudos are welcome. have a good one, babes


End file.
